For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. It is my biggest desire, my dream job. When I was a teenager I always had a fear that I wouldn’t be able to have a baby. I knew I would be willing to adopt but I also wanted to go through a pregnancy. Feel a baby moving around in my belly, wearing maternity clothes, doing maternity photos, even going through morning sickness. And then to finally give birth to my bundle of joy and hold my precious baby in my arms for the first time.
Now, after 5 years of trying and having no success, I don’t know if it will happen. I have PCOS which makes it more difficult to get pregnant, however, I know friends who have it and have had children. However, I just don’t see it happening for me. Which is utterly heartbreaking.
My husbands knows how much I want a baby. He wants to have children with me too. It just isn’t as hard for him because he already has children from his first marriage. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t understand the loss that I feel. I feel like I am missing a part of me.
We have talked about adoption. Basically just “I am interested in adoption. Would you be ok with it?” He never really thinks about it or gives me an honest answer. He’s very vague saying “I’m not sure”. I don’t know how to get him to open up. He says that we can’t afford adoption but I have been researching ideas for grants and fundraisers. I know that we could raise the money we would need.
Sometimes I feel like I have no support on this. My mom and sister want me to have a baby but they don’t really want to listen to me when I talk about adoption, although I know they will be ok if it happens. It’s so hard on me. Every time I see a baby or hear someone say they are pregnant. It’s the one thing I can’t have! My mom tells me about every single person she knows who is having a baby. And every time it’s like I get stabbed in the heart. I’m crying just writing this.
How is it possible to miss something you’ve never had? To grieve the loss of a child never conceived in your womb? For your heart to break because the possibility of being pregnant feels impossible?