Every once in a while I just have to cry. It helps to get my built up feelings out of my system. The other night I couldn’t go to sleep and I just started thinking about random things. I don’t remember the thought process, but I started thinking about my cousin. I haven’t talked to him in like 4 years but it’s been even longer since we really talked. He used to be one of my best friends. I could tell him anything. About 7 years ago he started dating my then roommate and then he married her. That changed everything. It was almost like she was jealous of our friendship and would get mad if we spent too much time together. But we grew up together!
Then I thought about how the last time we talked was probably the day of my Grandpa’s funeral. That made me wonder if we talked at my dad’s funeral. I think he was there but I don’t remember talking to him. I know his wife was not there.
After that, I started thinking about everyone and everything I have lost in the last several years. I lost 3 grandparents and 1 great-grandmother (none left now), my daddy, the relationship with my cousin, my sweet cat Panda, my church, a couple of friends, my health, etc. It’s been so hard for me.
So I just had to cry. I do this every once in a while. Not as much anymore, which I guess is a good thing. I still miss them. Every day.
I have several journals and one of them is about what I’m grateful for. I don’t write in it every day or anything but anytime I feel overwhelmed with gratefulness, and I’m near my journal, I write in it. My last entry in it was about my sister. I was going through a box of books and found one of my old student Bibles. Inside was a letter from my sister from about 11 years ago. She didn’t like me as much back then because I wasn’t as nice to her. The letter was a prayer to God and then a short note to me with some scriptures.
I cry every time I read that note. I’ve read it several times over the years. Every time I come across it I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a sister who would pray for me and point blank tell me what I was doing wrong. She is so strong.
Yes, I’ve lost so much. But I am blessed to have had those people in my lives and continue to be blessed by the ones who are still in my life.